What to do when you don’t know what to do

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I had a dream about four years ago about a sweet little boy. We were standing in a hospital hallway looking through a glass wall at a woman in labor. He was holding my hand and he looked up at me with his sweet brown eyes and mini ‘fro and asked, “is that my mama?”. I replied, “yes, baby, that is your mama”. Then, the dream was over. The next day, I felt wrecked. I told my closest humans that I felt like he was my son and he was alive out there waiting for me to come and get him. This feeling weighed on me for a few months heavier than any conviction I had felt before. My husband and I talked a lot and he simply did not have peace over adopting/fostering. He couldn’t explain it, just as I couldn’t explain the feeling that my child was out in the world waiting for us to come and rescue him.

I questioned God for a very long time. I did not understand why He would place one feeling in my heart and a different feeling in my husband’s. I felt a sense of urgency to do something…anything…to help this little boy and I felt like God was saying..when you can’t physically do anything, pray. Pray fervently and channel that urgency into advocating for that child who has no voice. 

Eventually, the feeling faded and I learned many lessons about things I could do even if we weren’t actively fostering or adopting. I wrote the date down because a part of me felt like when my husband received that calling to adopt, it could still be for this child and could still have been born or conceived at the time I was praying for him.

A few months ago, I was thinking about my nephew and how his journey to join his adoptive family was such a roller coaster ride. He was in foster care with my brother and sister for over two years before he was finally adopted. I thought about how there were only a few families they could use to babysit him because you have to be approved by the state to do so and how each holiday and birthday we all would say, “this could be the last one with him. We can’t imagine life without his smile and vivacious self”. But, the stars aligned and the grief of him losing his biological family and celebration of gaining us as his adopted family happened one December day. I thought about how many people gathered in the courtroom to commemorate that this little boy was rescued from unfortunate circumstances and how my sister and I rode up to Grady hospital together to pick him up and how we tried to guess his ethnicity because his newborn look was so unique…and then I stopped in my kitchen and tried to catch my breath.

I calculated back to when that little boy visited me in my dreams and wouldn’t you know it…it was him. I started feeling the desperation to pray for this little boy right around the time he would’ve been conceived. Any confusion I had felt about this little boy dissipated and all that was left was gratitude. I was the vessel used to  pray for him while my brother and sister prepared their home for him. They were busy with home studies and fingerprinting and anxiety about the big step into fostering, so their plate was a tad full and God had designed it to be that way. I was pregnant with the twins when my nephew was adopted and God knew the design for my family when I was wrecked with grief with a broken heart. I realized in my dream that he and I were standing on the side of the mirror looking in at my sister and not myself. She and I get mistaken for the same person often, so it would make sense that I thought It was me in the dream.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended a live simulcast with some faithful women featuring Priscilla Shirer. She told a story about a woman who was in a situation and the woman felt cheated by God. She didn’t understand why He would call her to do something and then place her where she was presently at. One day, she realized the exact spot God had placed her at was making an eternal difference instead of a monetary/earthly difference like she had originally thought. Her thinking quickly shifted and she knew she had been “chosennot cheated“.

So often, when I am deep in the trenches of heartache or confusion, I feel so cheated by God. But, as soon as the battle ends, the clarity sets in and I can see how divinely chosen I was. It’s been a hard week. The trench was deep and I often feel like the only soldier ready to battle, but I am choosing to remember this is exactly the place God has chosen me to be in.

Matthew 22:14 “For many are called, but few are chosen”.

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The house with the Piano

 

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Back in December, a group of my girl friends and I went to a conference. It was great and had a few things we learned  and say to each other still today. One thing we did was answer five questions about ourselves to help us find our essential self (the person who we are at our core). Most of them were easy, but one stood out as more intimidating than the others…”name one thing/new skill you want to learn this year for yourself”. I knew the answer quickly because it is something I have wanted to do for, well, my whole life. I filled in the blank and didn’t think much more about it, until….

February

We sold our house back in March. We started praying after we had the girls for a bigger house. We desperately needed more space, but the last few years had been a drain on us financially and we were in no way set up to make a move. I told some friends “God gave us the girls and He knew our needs when we received that blessing, so we will just pray for it to happen”. So, we did and like God always does in times of droughts and storms…He left us standing in awe of Him. Once we realized we would be in position to purchase a home after the sell of our current home, we started frantically looking, because it is a sellers market and we knew we needed to be prepared whenever the house sold. Since Decemberish, I would take the kids on rides after school periodically and we would look at houses from the road because 1. it was fun and 2. one of my spiritual gifts is prophecy and I knew once we saw the house, we would simply know it was right. On this particular day, I drove around looking at a few houses and as we drove up to the last house, I gasped and called my husband.

He had already seen the house from my view and we both agreed we loved the lay of the land and the charm of the house. It had character and literally every need/want on our list. We both had that unexplainable feeling that the house would be ours one day.

We called the owner’s (it was a for sale by owner) and they told us it was under contract and set to close at the end of December. We were really sad, but ultimately knew if it was the right move, it would happen. Fast forward to the end of December while I was out to eat for my birthday with my gal pals; my phone rang and my husband was on the other line. He explained that the deal had fallen through with the previous buyer and the owners of the house called him. They had already moved out of the house and into their parents home where they would live to take care of her elderly father. She told him she had written our name and number down on a tiny sheet of paper and stuck it on a drawer after our call of interest. She kept our number because my groom was so enthusiastic about the house and had made an impression on her. She further explained that her sister had packed up the drawer with the tiny piece of paper on it and they somehow found it after the move.

We met at the house and took earnest money to lock in the deal (our house was not even on the market, yet). As we were shown around the house, we talked about their sweet memories that had been made and told them of our dreams of country/small farm living. We found ourselves in the basement and the only thing left in the whole house was a queen size mattress and a piano. She said they both came with the house and it was at that moment that I knew God was telling me, in his creative way, the house would be ours. We moved in as “renters” and finally closed on the house today. The sellers would never leave a house meeting without praying over us and the decision first. They told us they had prayed and felt like God wanted us there and they were clueless about how much to list the house for, so they went with the number God gave them. We bought the house at that price, which was exactly the amount we felt comfortable with from the very beginning of the entire process.

My groom jokingly says, “are you sure you want to keep that piano” whenever the kids are banging on the keys and I smile and say, “absolutely”. This piano is one of the love letters from Jesus and I will keep it close to my heart and now I feel even more pressure to learn how to play.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by your circumstances today, lean into the vulnerability and ask God to provide. My little family is living proof of His provision and even though the trek to get here was bumpy, the journey was completely worth it.

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